my place in this world

hrm. Bonnie posted a blog a few weeks ago about her feelings and about what a blog really is, and it kinda inspired me (i heart you, Bonnie Jean). 

So if you don't want to continue reading, it's cool. :)

I love my calling. I love to serve these Young Women and to see the light they shine. I love it, I love it, I love it. But I suppose I'm in somewhat of a predicament. You know that awkward stage where you're a teenager and you want so badly to be young and hip, but you want so badly to be an adult? I'm still there. 

I guess I've always kinda had a problem with fitting in. I would probably consider myself a friendly person, but I'm shy. Heh, can you believe that? It's weird, though. I'm shy around people that I know. It's like I don't know how they take me. Do they remember me? Do they want to talk to me? Do they think I'm stuck up because I'm not approaching them? And by this time too much time has elapsed and it's awkward. I'm no good at awkward which is probably why I don't really have well.... I don't have many friends, or ones that live here and are available to hang with. Sure, there are people that I admire and look up to, but sometimes I wonder if they feel the same about me or if I'm still that annoying little teenager that they hope will one day leave them alone. If that's not the case, then it's these young women where I feel the most comfortable as far as belonging. But then I wonder if they are thinking similar things (except for the teenager and growing up part). I'm in this boat. Either everyone I know knew me as much younger, or I know them now and they have kids. We're like at different places in life. I want badly to have a lot of good friends, but I guess as I grew older I kinda forgot how to become friends. 

After a lot of mixed emotions, I realized what was underlying. I have a best friend. A friend that will be there for me no matter what! Who doesn't think I'm annoying or childish (and if I am, he doesn't say so). A friend who cares for me as much as I do him. Does he feel these similar feelings from me? I admire him so much, and he loves that about me. Although this sounds much like my dear husband, it's not. It's my Savior. 

Once again, a lot of emotions-- Have I abandoned Him? the weird thing is that Matt and I are on this 40 day challenge. We've been doing well for the past 10 days, and part of this challenge is reading scriptures together and praying together. You would think that these actions would draw me nearer to my Savior. Perhaps most of this is Satan taking my insecurities and trying to make me feel like nobody wants to be my friend. I know that's not true. So I won't let him. It's like I'm trying so hard to fit in, when I was born to stand out. (I'm thinking that's a quote from something but I can't remember what) I know I can overcome this with the help of my Savior. Like I said, he's always there for me. 

Don't feel obligated to comment. I'm good. I guess I figure things out better if I can get them out of my head.

ps- I want to be your friend!

7 Things (but not really)

I won't drag everyone through reading the exact same blog twice so I'll just touch on what went through my head whilst reading my lovely wife's responses.

- We have been in our house for less than 2 months. I have taken out my toolbox at least once a day since we moved in. Tightening this, hanging that, leveling this, shoring up that, installing this, building that. I've drilled, I've painted, I've smoothed, I've buffed, I've mounted, and I've shimmed just about everything inside our property line. And yet my wife still feels the need to say "finally" in reference to me hanging her shelves. Sheesh. I guess she doesn't realize that millions of people live in a house with unfinished (or unstarted) projects all the time, and take no issue with it. LOL

- I need to clarify Lindsey's "organizing"... I believe the word she is looking for is "compacting". Which I consider an entirely different talent. While the ability to fit a large amount of things into a small space comes in handy while packing for a trip... it has the opposite effect when cleaning. I cannot tell you how many times I've opened a drawer and found so many things "compacted" (crammed) into it, that it A: makes getting what I need almost impossible, and B: makes it unlikely that I can ever get that drawer closed again.

- One of the reasons "Don't forget" comes out of Lindsey's mouth so often, is that my #1 thing that I say all the time is "Hey hun, don't let me forget..."

- As for things I love about Lindsey, I love that she had trouble coming up with things to fill all her lists of 7, except the one of things she loved about me. She didn't even hesitate while typing it.

- Finally, I don't want to leave Lindsey's account of my technical endevors unexplained, lest I seem lame and technically ignorant. The problem we had was that our house was not built with a phone jack in the room we use for our office. Since our Mac was built before wireless network cards were standard protocal, it would need a "mac technician" to upgrade some of the hardware and manually change something in the operating system if we wanted to access our home network wirelessly. Instead, I decided to hardwire an ethernet cable through a common wall, into the office. So I bought a terminal for each side of the wall , and hard wired them together, then mounted one on each side of the wall. So instead of having something like this:

We have something nice and clean like this...

However, the in between stages, looked like this...

Don't ask me how.

Week in review + 7 things tagged by Mandy

Let's see here... this week has been... okay I suppose. We had a party for our Sunday School class which brought way too much junk food in the house for our diets. (yeah, we're back on that) It worked out okay though because Matt's mom took most of it after my threat to trash it all. In my opinion, it's not a waste, I would pay that much to be skinny and we got our use out of it. 

Anyway... I also won tickets to the Dallas Stars hockey game this weekend. It was a district wide contest at work and I won. I was a little unsure about going seeing as how Matt's allergies were flaring up again and I had to work that morning, but I thought it would be a cheap cool thing to do, since the tickets were free and came with a parking pass. Boy am I glad we went. The seats were called Platinum or something and basically was like one step down from being in the box. We had a private escalator and our own server. It was cool, so at this point (even after pigging out Friday night at our party) we had to order cheeseburgers. We're both way glad we went. It was neat, even though they lost. 

Also, can I just say that my husband is SO handy? I'm so grateful for this! Besides the fact that he's (finally) putting up the floating wall shelves in our bedroom as I type, this weekend he learned by himself how to set up our internet. Okay, I know for most of you that seems like an easy task, but we wanted something a little more complex. We have iPhones, so we naturally wanted WiFi. But, because we have a mac that was made before a certain time we'd have to take our machine to the apple store to get something set up for it. (okay... i'll be honest, i'm not quite sure exactly what it is we needed, I don't get into all the technical stuff, I have him for that, so if you're technologically minded and this doesn't make sense, sorry). So he hard wired the internet to the computer in the office and set up a jack through the wall to the living room for wifi thing (i think...)Well basically, he taught himself how to put this thing through the wall and set it up and works. That's a simpler way of putting it. I'm sure he'll get on here and post how it really is. 

So... I can post from my own computer, which I've missed dearly. I've either been posting from work when it's slow or from my iPhone. I love my phone... but posting a whole blog is a little challenging... well, time consuming. 

I also wrote a letter to Sean. I put it out in the mailbox a little bit ago so that I wouldn't forget to mail it. (i do that ... a lot it seems. i'll write a letter and never mail it). He's on a mission right now. It was a challenge. I didn't really know what to say. I just remember something that happened to Matt once. Matt wrote an email to a missionary once telling him about things going on and certain events that had been done with him in the past, but basically saying that Matt was filling his shoes in his honor. He found out later that it made him miss home a lot. I'm sure serving a mission isn't easy, and I didn't want Sean to miss home more than he already did. I kinda did a brief run through of how things were going w/ Matt and Me and Millie and that I wasn't pregnant (since he asked in like his first letter home) and told him we were proud of him for serving. So... if y'all have any other ideas of how I could change up my weekly letter to him, lemme know... I don't want it to be a dread that he gets a letter from me. 

okay... now for this post. I think Mandy tagged me... there were like for 4 Lindseys on there... so... if I'm not one, I'll feel pretty stupid...  so here goes.  Oh yeah, Mandy, we're a lot alike in some ways... I think that's cool, 'cause I admire you.

7 things

7 things I can do:

1. Drive a stick shift. Matt taught me in one day. My stomach was a little (a lot) unsettled for a couple hours, but I'm glad I learned, even though I was really emotional about it.

2. Decorate. If given the things I want (heh) I can usually display them in an eye pleasing way. I think this comes from Matt as well. Going to an art school, he's very visual. 

3. Give my dog a bath. This may not seem challenging to most of you. Millie is... between 45-50 lbs. She doesn't like to get in the tub. Matt doesn't usually help me with this... hrm.. never helps me with this. I have to trick her. I feel a little guilty at first, but after she's all clean, I don't worry. I have to get the bathroom set up with all of the things I need in advance. Then coerce her as close to the bathroom as possible and then grab her, pick her up, and set her in the tub. She hates it. Preparation for motherhood, I suppose.

4. I don't know that I'd say organize (like Mandy) but I have this weird knack for compacting things. Sometimes it takes about two tries, but I can fit a lotta stuff in an itty bitty space. Not sure if it's the years of camp/efy, family road trips or what. It works out well though when Matt has to leave on business and has no clue how to cram all of his things in a small bag. I guess it's a talent. 

5. I, too can remember just about anything. I will say that journaling has helped. It usually had to do with what I was wearing when it happened. However, it most often was recalled at what time in my life it occurred based on the way my bedroom was arranged. It's weird, I know. 

6. Know what Millie is trying to say and then verbalizing it for her. Yeah, for real. 

7. Love my husband unconditionally. He's a really great guy.... but he is a guy. 

7 things I cannot do

1. Sing. or have any musical talent at all. I love to sing, especially hymns or primary songs... but I'm tone deaf (and a word forgetter...) 

 If I have accompaniment then I can usually carry the tune, but I can't really sing. Thanks, sweetie for putting up with me at church!

2. Deck out my page. I'm pretty sure Matt wants it to be the same just like it is forever and for always, but I'd like to spruce it up all cutesie every now and then... I just don't know how to do it... or really have the patience to teach myself. This layout will suffice.

3. Dance like Carlton on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Mandy, I'm mostly jealous of Ali and Kristyn because I'd LOVE to see this!

4. Anything Matt's really good at. i.e. Photoshop... handy man stuff... He's offered to teach me when I'd like to do something, but it usually ends up that we're either in a time crunch or he can do it much better so I leave it to him. 

5. Go a year without getting my car damaged in some way. This is not always my fault! 

6. Try new foods. Every time we go out to a restaurant (for example) I get the same thing. It's usually because when I think of where we're going, I already crave it. I also don't want to order something and not like it as much as I liked my signature item, so I stick with that. 

7. Reach any of the top shelves. I have a stool now. And sometimes, if I wear heels while on the stool I don't have to crawl up on something else. ... sometimes. 

7 things I say often:

1. You don't even know (this came from Mary)

2. What? :) (when I know I'm guilty of something)

3. No ma'am. Usually when Millie is in trouble, but I have been known to say it to others, like Cheryl, for instance.

4. Buttmunch. No one likes a Butt Munch. (this came from an episode of friends, but a lot of the time accurately portrays how Matt is acting).

5. Don't forget. Sometimes this is in vain. Matt usually forgets anyway.

6. Doesn't tickle. I use this line when I'm tickling Matt and he's not laughing. I figure if he's not laughing, then it doesn't tickle, and I can do it as much as I like. When he does it to me, I always freak out and reply with "DOES TICKLE!"

7. Helicopter butt. hahah... okay... Millie has a really strong and violent tail. She usually ends up wagging her butt instead of her tail, but when she does wag her tail, it's not back and forth. She wags it in a rotating circle like a helicopter. I'd like to see it pick her up and fly her around like on the cartoons. 

7 things I love about Matt:

1. See list labeled "things I cannot do"

2. He puts up with me and my whining. a lot. 

3. He takes me shopping and can empathize when I want a new pair of shoes. As long as it's not new flats, he's usually in. 

4. He makes me a better person. 

5. He's so freakin funny. Pretty much why I married him. My patriarchal blessing mentions someone who will bring me much joy and laughter. You can't argue that that isn't Matt!

6. He bought me a house... which i LOVE!

7. He's a worth priesthood holder. This is such a blessing in my life, and I'm grateful to be sealed to such a wonderful guy!

7 favorite foods.

1. Spaghetti. Angel hair pasta with meat sauce. I like some restaurants' but I prefer my own.

2. Steak. Usually the most expensive one on the menu. It's really good. I love Saltgrass.

3. Chocolate Chip cookies. mmm mmm

4. Chocolate Chip cookie dough! mmm mmm mmm

5. Matt's tacos or quesadillas. They're both really good!

6. Cheeseburgers. I try to not like them, but I can't.

7. BBB. Brownie Batter Blizzard. Well, now it's Chocolate extreme blizzard, but I get the extra brownie pieces. Mm DQ

7 people I tag

1. Matt... although that might get old as a post

2. Sis Brown

3. Lindsey Taylor

4. Jenny!

5. Cheryl (who should make a blog)

6. Evelyn

7. Anyone else who'd like to... since I can't remember everyone who follows our blog. :) 

Belated Valentine's!

Well, I know I'm a bit late, but in honor of my sweet Valentine I'm going to make a list of 14 memories that Matt and I shared.

1. I met Matt when I was 13 at a stake youth standards night through a mutual friend. I then proceeded to talk to him on AIM using pink and purple colors and Curlz font. not annoying at all!

2. When I was 13, he offered to fix my "stereo" (boombox, heh). It didn't work, but I appreciated the effort!

3. When I was 15 and my boyfriend at the time broke up with me, He and Claudia came and brought me a root beer float.

4. When I was 15, he invited me to help him with his ward variety show. This was the first time he ever walked me to my door. He also told me later on that this was the time he looked at me and thought "wow, she's beautiful!"

5. Matt and I went on a "date" ( I may have been 16) and went to see a movie at Movie Tavern. Leighann and Katie B. were at his house and wanted him to come home and hang out. He told them that he'd already had plans with me so they were outta luck. He told me he'd do the same for me.

6. At a later date, Matt did have plans with Katie B. but decided he'd rather hang out with me. (yeah, he didn't do the same for her, but I was okay with that)

7. I went to Matt's house the night I knew Claudia was breaking up with him. He wanted me to stay and hang out so he wasn't alone.

8. When I had just turned 16, I asked a guy on what would be my first date. He was unable to go so I was obviously devastated. Matt called and asked if he could take me out on a date. He was my first date and he even brought me flowers!

9. When I turned 17, my boyfriend at the time wouldn't come see me on my birthday. Matt came by and took me out to 4 star.

10. We tried to date once. We went to Denny's (a good place to sit and eat) and afterwards, we had decided it was just weird.

11. From our first REAL date, we knew we were going to marry eachother.

12. After almost every stake conference I would go to Matt's house for the rest of the day. It was tradition!

13. When Matt and I were dating we went to a Tim McGraw concert. His car got lost amongst the pick-ups. I was really frustrated, but looking back, I can see how he thought it was funny.

14. And my all time favorite memory of Matt was the day that we were sealed together for time and ALL eternity on June 24, 2005. I will never forget how happy we both were looking into eachother's eyes with pure joy!

There have obviously been a great deal of memories since we've been married. I just thought I'd pull some outta way back when! Happy belated Valentine's!!

Head above water

I'm going to try something different today. Normally I will write my blogs while listening to music, but I think it influences them more than I realize. Sometimes what starts out on a positive note will end up being kind of depressing, or vice versa. So today I'm writing while wearing noise canceling headphones (that aren't playing any music). In fact I can't even hear my fingers hitting the keyboard, so it's already a little interesting. I guess we'll see if it affects my writing style at all....


The Blessings-

Our house is so wonderful. How could I ever complain about such a huge blessing? In decades, housing prices and interest rates have never been so low. Lindsey and I both happen to be making more money than we ever have before, and the potential for career growth is still there despite our struggling economy. And yet I still find myself in such a funk about the whole situation. Maybe it's the stark realization that I have big boy financial commitments now. Or that every time someone at work critiques my performance, I have a little panic attack because I know I desperately NEED this job (that I would leave immediately if I could). But nonetheless I still appreciate having my own space and all of the wonderful things that made it possible.


The Struggles-
There's no good way to say this, but it's something I need to get off my chest...

I sometimes feel like a fraud. Especially in matters of spirituality. Sure I make it to Church most Sundays, and I'll teach my lesson and make comments in class. But here I am, receiving SO MANY BLESSINGS, and I can't even tell you the last time I read my scriptures for 5 days in a row. Or even 3. I constantly re-commit myself to living a life closer to the savior and I constantly fall short of that commitment. (Which makes me feel like I never really committed at all) The part that really bothers me, is that I feel in my heart that I am a good member of the church, and that I have a strong testimony, but when I examine my actions, they very rarely reflect that feeling.

I don't want to give the impression that I am some evil worldly hooligan outside of church, but as a lifetime member, struggling with doing the basics, just doesn't seem normal to me. When I leave Church every week, I remember the joys of the spirit and the wonderful peace that accompanies it, and on Monday morning, I say "well I'm pretty tired, I'll just read my scriptures tonight" which of course I almost never do. I even find myself resenting Lindsey when she reminds me which is completely and totally unfair to her. When I have the spirit with me, I never want it to leave, but when it's gone I lose all my motivation to get it back, and that is a crapy cycle to get stuck in.

I don't really know why it is that I felt I should write about this struggle I have, but maybe putting it all down will help me in getting past it. I hope that it does and that I look back at this post in 6 months or a year and laugh at how silly I sounds. However at the same time I have a deep fear that I will look back and still relate to these same subjects.

Who knows, maybe this post wasn't for me at all. Maybe it's for someone else who shares in my trails and they need to know that they are not alone. I hope this didn't bring anyone down, because writing it has actually made me feel a little bit better. I hope everyone has a great day. Thanks for letting me vent.

name them one by one

Well I have a lot to be grateful for. Besides my awesome husband, Matt and my adorable Millie bear!

Recently at work we had a few layoffs. I guess they tried to stick it out as long as possible, but along with everyone else, ... the economy.

It put things in a bit of perspective for me. For quite some time I'd been frustrated w/ my 40 minute drive. I liked my job okay, it was really the bit of exhaustion that "commute" brought on. Yes, I'm aware that many of you may travel just as much if not longer to your job and don't consider it a career, but I'm used to going home for lunch. I usually work that close to home. So this is a bit of a readjustment. I took this position to further my career and it was a promotion.

Anyway- My mentor and dear friend who has been more help than she'll know, got let go the other day. Also, another teller at her branch was laid off. What if I were still there? hrm.

Matt's doing well at his job. He's traveling now, which is kinda a bummer on my part, but at least he's got a job.

I'm grateful for our new house. I'm grateful for the means (Mom) to decorate it into a home.

I'm grateful for my ancient car that safely gets me to and from work (for now) even after all it's been through in it's 240,000 miles.

I'm also really grateful for my calling the Stake YW Presidency. It has been really neat. I love working with these Young Women (Ann, Jenny, & Linda) as well as the girls and leaders throughout the wards. Camp is quickly approaching so I'm SUPER STOKED about that as well.

Things are going really well for us, inspite of daily wordly troubles. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and watches out for me. It's interesting to look back and see the Lord's hand in my life. It strengthens me in my times of trouble to know that there is a reason that I'm dealing with what's going on. I love him. He's pretty cool to do that for me!

So, my challenge to you is to look back throughout the past few months or years and think of some of the things that were really trying at the time, and to ponder on how Heavenly Father was actually helping. It's probably personal, but you can post if you want. :)