Head above water

I'm going to try something different today. Normally I will write my blogs while listening to music, but I think it influences them more than I realize. Sometimes what starts out on a positive note will end up being kind of depressing, or vice versa. So today I'm writing while wearing noise canceling headphones (that aren't playing any music). In fact I can't even hear my fingers hitting the keyboard, so it's already a little interesting. I guess we'll see if it affects my writing style at all....


The Blessings-

Our house is so wonderful. How could I ever complain about such a huge blessing? In decades, housing prices and interest rates have never been so low. Lindsey and I both happen to be making more money than we ever have before, and the potential for career growth is still there despite our struggling economy. And yet I still find myself in such a funk about the whole situation. Maybe it's the stark realization that I have big boy financial commitments now. Or that every time someone at work critiques my performance, I have a little panic attack because I know I desperately NEED this job (that I would leave immediately if I could). But nonetheless I still appreciate having my own space and all of the wonderful things that made it possible.


The Struggles-
There's no good way to say this, but it's something I need to get off my chest...

I sometimes feel like a fraud. Especially in matters of spirituality. Sure I make it to Church most Sundays, and I'll teach my lesson and make comments in class. But here I am, receiving SO MANY BLESSINGS, and I can't even tell you the last time I read my scriptures for 5 days in a row. Or even 3. I constantly re-commit myself to living a life closer to the savior and I constantly fall short of that commitment. (Which makes me feel like I never really committed at all) The part that really bothers me, is that I feel in my heart that I am a good member of the church, and that I have a strong testimony, but when I examine my actions, they very rarely reflect that feeling.

I don't want to give the impression that I am some evil worldly hooligan outside of church, but as a lifetime member, struggling with doing the basics, just doesn't seem normal to me. When I leave Church every week, I remember the joys of the spirit and the wonderful peace that accompanies it, and on Monday morning, I say "well I'm pretty tired, I'll just read my scriptures tonight" which of course I almost never do. I even find myself resenting Lindsey when she reminds me which is completely and totally unfair to her. When I have the spirit with me, I never want it to leave, but when it's gone I lose all my motivation to get it back, and that is a crapy cycle to get stuck in.

I don't really know why it is that I felt I should write about this struggle I have, but maybe putting it all down will help me in getting past it. I hope that it does and that I look back at this post in 6 months or a year and laugh at how silly I sounds. However at the same time I have a deep fear that I will look back and still relate to these same subjects.

Who knows, maybe this post wasn't for me at all. Maybe it's for someone else who shares in my trails and they need to know that they are not alone. I hope this didn't bring anyone down, because writing it has actually made me feel a little bit better. I hope everyone has a great day. Thanks for letting me vent.