So if you don't want to continue reading, it's cool. :)
I love my calling. I love to serve these Young Women and to see the light they shine. I love it, I love it, I love it. But I suppose I'm in somewhat of a predicament. You know that awkward stage where you're a teenager and you want so badly to be young and hip, but you want so badly to be an adult? I'm still there.
I guess I've always kinda had a problem with fitting in. I would probably consider myself a friendly person, but I'm shy. Heh, can you believe that? It's weird, though. I'm shy around people that I know. It's like I don't know how they take me. Do they remember me? Do they want to talk to me? Do they think I'm stuck up because I'm not approaching them? And by this time too much time has elapsed and it's awkward. I'm no good at awkward which is probably why I don't really have well.... I don't have many friends, or ones that live here and are available to hang with. Sure, there are people that I admire and look up to, but sometimes I wonder if they feel the same about me or if I'm still that annoying little teenager that they hope will one day leave them alone. If that's not the case, then it's these young women where I feel the most comfortable as far as belonging. But then I wonder if they are thinking similar things (except for the teenager and growing up part). I'm in this boat. Either everyone I know knew me as much younger, or I know them now and they have kids. We're like at different places in life. I want badly to have a lot of good friends, but I guess as I grew older I kinda forgot how to become friends.
After a lot of mixed emotions, I realized what was underlying. I have a best friend. A friend that will be there for me no matter what! Who doesn't think I'm annoying or childish (and if I am, he doesn't say so). A friend who cares for me as much as I do him. Does he feel these similar feelings from me? I admire him so much, and he loves that about me. Although this sounds much like my dear husband, it's not. It's my Savior.
Once again, a lot of emotions-- Have I abandoned Him? the weird thing is that Matt and I are on this 40 day challenge. We've been doing well for the past 10 days, and part of this challenge is reading scriptures together and praying together. You would think that these actions would draw me nearer to my Savior. Perhaps most of this is Satan taking my insecurities and trying to make me feel like nobody wants to be my friend. I know that's not true. So I won't let him. It's like I'm trying so hard to fit in, when I was born to stand out. (I'm thinking that's a quote from something but I can't remember what) I know I can overcome this with the help of my Savior. Like I said, he's always there for me.
Don't feel obligated to comment. I'm good. I guess I figure things out better if I can get them out of my head.
ps- I want to be your friend!
Hi Lindsey-
Fun blog! When I was first called to serve with the young women a couple of years ago I had the same feelings... it's hard to be their leader when you were barely a young woman yourself! I think with time those feelings kind of vanished and it became more of a natural thing to be their leader and not worry about whether or not they liked me. I don't know. Just a thought. Like I grew into the calling and then those insecurities-similar to the ones you've described, I think-sort of vanished. Good luck!